Quotes directly from the application will be in this color. My comments will be in black.

Since this application did not receive an outright acceptance, I have provided much more information in the overall review than simply "strengths" and "suggestions". This is normal procedure for applications that are not immediately accepted.

I think it might be best to preface this review with a note. What follows may end up seeming a bit rough, but I’m encouraging you to read it and reapply, because your writing showed promise. You have a lot of potential. It’s just that you lack the experience in this type of role playing game. I think the best way to solve this problem is to read everything: the forums, the reviews, the character profiles, the website information. If you look over all of the information and check out the profiles, I think that will give you a good idea of the sort of length and information and character innovation we’re looking for. That said, I’m going to try and offer suggestions in this review so that you have an idea of what direction you should be moving in.

There were several issues with the name that needed addressed. Perhaps first of all would be the meaning, you took the name meanings from a website which seems to be a bit suspect: it doesn’t really have much in the way of correct information. I would suggest using behindthename.com, because they not only provide an accurate meaning, but they give lexical and historical evidence to back up the meaning they provide.

I’ve actually written an article on naming your character and NPCs. It can be found on the forums and, I believe, on the website. It covers everything from name flow to name origin (which is of issue because Dreama is considered “Greek”, and Kaira is supposed to be British).

Eighteen is a completely normal age for students to enter college, and so, if you really want to make Kaira have entered college early, it would be best to make her younger - 16 or 17. On the other hand, I strongly advise against making a character that has graduated early. Especially if it’s not relevant to their sphere. This gives the illusion of the “super smart” character, and unless that is combined with something that makes sense - emphasis on the character’s intelligence - it just comes off as making the character too ridiculously perfect.

Firstly, a college curriculum comprised of two majors AND a minor is going to be nearly impossible. Add onto that the fact that none of the majors are related - in your case, music, English and forensic science - and you’ve basically got an impossible major. For an incoming freshman, I would suggest one major and one minor, if that.

As far as picking out a major goes, don’t pick out music for a music character. You’re going to have to be a bit more innovative than that. I would suggest speech and hearing science or linguistics - or at the very least music history or education - if you really wanted to play up the musical aspect of Apollo.

In regard to the English/Creative Writing major, please see the anti-stereotype list linked on the website and posted in the forums.

The schedule you’ve assembled is unrealistic. Over twenty credit hours, a job and three hours of sleep every night is not humanly possible, because Kaira would die of exhaustion or suffer delusion from lack of sleep (and then die). Please be sure to check out the profiles of the accepted characters to see what I’m looking for in a schedule - it just needs to be classes + work, not every single thing she does mapped out.

In general, unless a person is incredibly organized or needs a schedule to get by (Shazi) they don’t really have a set “schedule” for every detail of their day. College life is very different from the life of a high school.

This application has the same problem that most of the other submitted applications had - too much obvious stuff, nothing that really stood out, and definitely not enough information in general. You say in the writing sample that she reads manga, but you don’t mention that she likes manga/anime/what have you. Please refer to other reviews for more elaboration.

One “She Sings Good!” skill is just not going to cut it. Especially when you’re applying for an Olympian. This application not only needs more skills, but it needs something that doesn’t focus on the fact that Sailor Apollo is the soldier of music. It needs something that says “In a past life, Kaira influenced the creation of the god Apollo.” For more elaboration, please refer to other reviews on the website.

I cannot accept Kaira’s personality as is. I have set a minimum length requirement for the personality section and this personality did not meet it. Please check out the already accepted characters to see the length we’re looking for - it may seem a little daunting at first, but if you really get to know your character, a lot of the information should come quite easily. You shouldn’t stress yourself over personality, but at the same time, three long sentences is not going to cut it.

Kaira’s persona also needs a bit of work. People are multifaceted, and they can be more than one thing at once, but Kaira is calm and tranquil but also a wild party girl with a bad temper who can, at times be irrational. She’s quiet but can also become loud “in the blink of an eye.” What you’ve given either contradicts what else you’ve written or is just too broad. What you need is a theme for this character: a general personality “type” that Kaira fits into that you can build a personality around. There are several resources that you can use for help linked on both the website and the game forums. Please check them out!

I’m a bit concerned about how you’ve described Kaira, and how you’ve approached her sexuality. Quite frankly, it seems like you’re more interested in hooking up with Croix, Casper and Valdis than you are in actually playing. You should come into this game wanting to develop the character and write, not wanting to hook up with someone.

The appearance, in general, shows neglect for reading the website’s information. There are more than enough long, wavy haired characters in the game, and one character already wears her hair in French braids. Eyes cannot be “frozen in a smile”.

Please read everything on the website and all of the accepted character profiles. This history is unrealistic and rather hard to follow.

Even saying that this character is more Artemis than Apollo would be pushing it, because there’s really not enough here to tell me anything about the character. However, if I were to peg this character with a sailor soldier name, I would say Artemis before Apollo.

Sphere of Influence
I’ve said it before: you cannot make up random, irrelevant elements for your character. Archery has nothing to do with Apollo.

Color Scheme
It seems odd that the soldier of light and music would have the colors “dark pink” and “black”.

Please look up information on togas - it’s pretty much impossible to have a “spaghetti strap” toga.

The transformation does not follow the established theme. Locket opens. Stuff comes out.

It’s rather presumptuous to assume that Casper, Croix and Valdis would even give Kaira the light of day. Also, saying that she “only trusts” those characters before she’s even met them leads me to believe that, once again, you’re looking more for a hook up than actually writing.

You’ve got potential, and you’re a good writer, but the application you submitted seemed unfinished. I urge you to reapply, but first, you’re going to have to do a lot of reading: Read everything on the website (including the forums), because it’s quite obvious to me that you skipped over a lot of things; check all of the character profiles and read everything there, not just to make sure you’re not overlapping, but to get an idea of what I’m looking for and how to write enough to get the length this game requires. All you need is a bit of experience in this type of role playing game. I’m sure that, if you go over everything and really research the character you’re applying for, you’ll be peachy.

Verdict: Declined