Quotes directly from the application will be in this color. My comments will be in black.

Since this application did not receive an outright acceptance, I have provided much more information in the overall review than simply "strengths" and "suggestions". This is normal procedure for applications that are not immediately accepted. Procedure for an application that received “Revisions Requested” is to simply resubmit the application with the appropriate changes; the application will be given a quick once-over before approval.

Sailor Athena. Olivia Termes. The MYTHOS Organization.

Overall Civilian

Occupation/Student Involvements/Majors & Minors

I am loving this, especially Olivia’s involvement in the Philosophy club. And it’s also quite refreshing to see a grad student application. The only only only thing here is that I would prefer that you make up a professor to be Olivia’s advisor, rather than using a real OSU employee. This is just to avoid the possibility of any professors getting grumpy with us for using their name. I know this sounds weird, but I’m paranoid. Feel free to be as detailed or vague as you want about the new prof – you could just make up a name, if you wanted.

Skills

I love all of Olivia’s civilian skills: they’re cute and appropriate.

Personality

There is so much about Olivia that I love. In fact, there’s so much about Olivia that I love++. That’s two plus signs worth of love we’ve got here folks. At the same time, though, there were certain areas that overlapped with important themes for other characters, mostly, because of this, Olivia’s personality needs a bit of clipping and modification, but nothing extremely major. I want to get that out of the way, but I also wanted to stress that I also really enjoyed this character.

There are several aspects of Olivia that are extremely close to Isabel/Hera, most specifically is this:
“Olivia feels entitled to think highly of herself: she's smart, she's successful and she's not hurting in the looks department, either. She has a tendency to underscore these 'facts' every chance she gets, a trait made all the more aggravating by the fact she seems completely oblivious to it.”

“At first glance, Isabel looks like the sort of person who has it all together. She carries an aura of dignity and self-confidence, holds her head high and isn’t afraid to speak her mind. Isabel likes Isabel; Isabel thinks Isabel is awesome; and seriously, is there anything wrong with that? She doesn’t see herself as stuck up or arrogant, and if others perceive her as such, well, that’s their problem. She has plenty to be proud of – she’s beautiful, she’s smart, and she’s Going Places. And even if she didn’t have all that going for her, if one doesn’t like and respect herself, why should she expect anyone else to do so?”

The green text is taken from the opening paragraphs of Hera’s personality. As you can see, these sections are extremely similar, but it’s important aspects for both characters. I was able to extrapolate a few differences, however, that I think can be emphasize to avoid making Olivia and Isabel indistinguishable: Isabel appears to be much more controlled in her confidence – she won’t risk doing something that could bring her down – whereas Olivia appears to completely reject or ignore failure. Olivia also seems to be more inclined to remind everyone of her awesomeness, while Isabel is more low key about it – she knows that she’s amazing, and doesn’t care if anyone else thinks otherwise. I believe that if these traits of Olivia’s are emphasized, at least in play, they’ll come off as completely different people.

I love the skill Golden Child, but the means by which this personality trait comes about (having underachiever siblings who are constantly having their sister compared to them) has already been done and needs altered or clipped. There’s already a major dynamic between Milo/Boreas and Noah/Zelus where Noah is a golden child and Milo is constantly being compared to him because he’s a complete slacker. I would recommend leveling out Olivia’s siblings so that they’re not complete wastes of life and/or just dropping any sort of “Why can’t you be more like your sister” comparing. Maybe make brother an athletic star – he distinguishes himself through basketball or football or wrestling, and Olivia took the academic route. I’ll address this further in the history.

The actual personality trait itself is very different from Noah, who interprets the praise as pressure, rather than buying into it. And I definitely want it to be kept.

As mentioned, I loved so much about Olivia’s personality. The sections “In Denial” and “The Roolz Rool!” and “Sheltered Kid” were definitely my favorites.

The section ‘Eager Beaver’ is very, very similar to two aspects of Noah/Zelus’s personality (Ambitious and Selectively Generous). Since there’s so much else here that is completely for awesome, I think this skill could easily be cut without harming the rest of the personality.

“Although she's confident in her opinions, and likes to try to persuade people to agree with her, she's also open to hearing new ideas, and is surprisingly okay with losing an argument (so long as the other party makes logical enough points to convince her otherwise).”

While, just prior to this section, Olivia is described as being extremely calm, I feel as though this particular section contradicts what has already been said about Olivia; in particular, her taking herself extremely seriously and being effectively in denial about ever doing poorly. It seems more like Olivia would actually be a rather poor loser. I would like to see this changed to reflect that.

Now, the trait “Nerd…But Not.”
I absolutely love Olivia, but I don’t like this section. Olivia is a great character, and I think that saying that she’s just too confident to be nerdy derails her. It’s very abruptly countering what was set up by the rest of the personality, and I think she would be MUCH better off as a character if she embraced her nerdiness. You can be confident and still be dorky, and this game needs more nerdy characters. There are certainly “cool” nerds out there.
I definitely see where you were going with this trait, but there’s a place between “cool and confident” and “nerdiest person ever”; Olivia doesn’t need to come off as an ubernerd, but having her appear to be so confident that she only comes off as being a little eccentric, I think, is pushing it.

Finally, something to consider adding:

It would be a good idea to play up Olivia being unathletic. This would do well to balance her a bit more. The smarty with little athletic ability has been done elsewhere, for sure, but it also makes a lot of sense.

Appearance
Everything looks good. The only thing here is that Olivia looks rather like a splicing together of Ande/Eris and Valdis/Ares. I would suggest fixing this by altering the coloring in some way – Valdis is a blue eyed, dark skinned, black-green haired guy; switch up the hair or eye color, and I think you’ll be good.

History

I absolutely love the background between J.J. and Cathie, and I’m super glad that you’ve focused on making a mostly happy home life for everyone, but there’s a problem here that’s going to have to change:

“The kids felt, as all kids instinctively do, that their parent's attentions would be rarer and rarer, which may explain why Troy started acting out and getting into fights at school, and why Adelaide was always blaming her siblings for 'hutin' her'.” We already have a number of characters who, in their childhood, rebelled and acted out as a chance to get attention. Ordinarily, this wouldn’t be a problem at all, since Troy is merely an NPC. However, this dynamic has already been established, as mentioned, by Milo and Noah – both PCs. As I had suggested earlier, I would maybe recommend establishing Troy as the athlete, rather than the punk. Put a positive spin on the family, and it will all work out, because you can still keep Olivia’s searching for a way to shine without taking away from the Golden Child-Slacker dynamic of Zelus and Boreas.

As with a throwback to the “nerd but not” trait, I might axe that she was able to become president and vice president of the school council. I think it makes her seem a bit too over achiever-y.

Although I’ve asked you to make Troy appear less troublesome by putting him into “The Athlete” spot, you can definitely still salvage the concept of him being the cause of all three children going to boarding school. Troy could easily be caught with pot, resulting in the jerk reaction of sending him and the girls to boarding school. I’ve known plenty of seemingly great, normal people who’ve been caught with pot and shipped off to a new school within days.

Other than those two things, the history is totally great; it was extremely well developed and entertaining.

Overall Sailor Soldier

Locket

I am absolutely in love with this locket. XD

Uniform

There is nothing not to like about the design of this outfit. I love the details you’ve chosen to add, especially the metal bow and grand old helmet.

Special Abilities

The skill “Pep Talk” is really walking a thin line between being OK and overlapping Zelus’s sphere. However, since it is appropriate for Athena to have a skill involving organization in war, this skill can be kept, but it’ll require some restrictions. Pretty much what you’ve stated is all pretty good. As long as Pep Talk remains a speech triggered ability that does not physically enhance targets, you should be good. Avoid making it into a presence based area of effect ability – it should seem more like a mundane talent than a supernatural ability.

“WHOO, WHOO?: When Sailor Athena is transformed, she is inexplicably followed by a single Great Horned Owl that trails every move she makes. The owl is not actually real (it's the same one that manifests from her locket at the beginning of her transformation sequence) and seems to play no role larger than annoyingly trailing Athena overhead wherever she may go. She cannot command it, it does not an evil minion sworn to do her bidding, and as it's not real, it is incapable of doing anyone harm. Perhaps one day it might be able to be powered up to do something useful, but as it stands, it's only use is one in favour of AMO-types: Athena may be found rather quickly by simply looking for the owl overhead.”
I have so much love for this skill. So much love.

Extra Virgin Olive Oil is a neat spell, but Jake/Dionysus already has a similar ability of turning water into wine. I would prefer that you drop this aspect of the skill: you’ve got a lot already, and turning water into olive oil isn’t explicitly appropriate for Athena. However, I would love if you kept the part where she smells like olives.

Strengths: This application was wonderful. Olivia made me giggle with joy and I really loved reading this application. The character is wonderfully detailed and interesting, but also leaves room for development, so she isn’t just a closed book. Olivia is exactly what I was hoping to see in and Athena and I’m extremely excited to see her in the game.

Suggestions: There were only a few knots in the application that I’ve already explained. I’m looking forward to seeing the revisions so that Olivia can jump into the action!

Verdict: Revisions Requested (Accept)