Quotes directly from the application will be in this color. My comments will be in black.

Since this application did not receive an outright acceptance, I have provided much more information in the overall review than simply "strengths" and "suggestions". This is normal procedure for applications that are not immediately accepted.

Sailor Demeter. Leah Granger. Alpha Mu Omega. Remnant Rank

Name

When describing the surname, you say “Also the last name of Hermione in the Harry Potter series. Not that she reads those books, of course.” However, since Harry Potter would certainly not influence a child’s surname, there was really no reason to make this reference. If perhaps, her friends had taken to calling her “Hermione” since the books came out, then that would be another story, and it would’ve been appropriate to make note of this. However, given that Leah’s family was probably named Granger before J.K. Rowling penned her first book on a napkin, there was no reason to mention the books.

Likes & Dislikes

You got an OK start here, but I definitely think that there needs to be more of a balance between “relevant” stuff and “unique” stuff. You definitely hit the nail on the head by adding stuff like ‘the Arctic’ and ‘comic books’ as dislikes (although I would’ve liked to have seen more of an elaboration on why she doesn’t like comics), but I was a little overloaded by all the farmer references. You were really trying to nail it in there that this character is Demeter, and that’s all well and good, but there needs to be a balance, because Leah isn’t just the Greek Demeter, she is her own person – or rather, she’s Rage’s own person.

Hobbies

I think you’re going to have to rework hobbies; “making sure she has fresh compost” and “feeding others the results of her cooking and baking” aren’t really hobbies per se. Butting in and constantly cleaning on the other hand are very good hobbies to go with, cooking and baking makes for a good basic hobby, too. Hobbies should be activities that she participates in regularly and for entertainment/income/mandatory purposes, “making sure she has fresh compost” is kind of strange and doesn’t really fit any of these, and “feeding others the results of her cooking and baking” is more a result than a hobby, unless she is literally force-feeding the AMO, which I’m not sure is a very good idea – I think Seirios bites.

Skills

It would be a good idea to start over in this section. I’m seeing the same thing here as what I saw with a lot of the likes: You’re really driving the cooking baking farm girl thing, but I think you’re pushing a bit too hard. What you’ve presented is kind of typical for a Demeter, and a lot of the skills are “Persephone skills, but less.”

To explain what I mean, let me use some examples:

“Bountiful Harvest - Leah can often be found at the garden plot where she does volunteer gardening. She doesn’t grow flowers, but instead vegetables. They always grow healthy with Leah’s touch. She absolutely loathes using anything resembling chemical fertilizers, preferring more natural (and therefore stinkier) ones.”

Persephone possesses a skill similar to this one, but the skill is explained as directly being Persephone’s magic that effects the plants. I am not sure what is causing the plants to be healthy here – Is it Demeter’s magic or is it just that Leah has a green thumb?

“Stamina - Leah isn’t very high energy. She doesn’t muster huge amounts of energy. What she can do is keep going for a while without having to stop to eat. Hunger doesn’t stop her and Leah doesn’t have to eat unless she has to (e.g. social reasons.) This doesn’t cover thirst however. Leah usually has at least a bottle of water on her at all times since she gets thirsty very easily."

My immediate issue with this skill was that I wasn’t actually sure what was going on with it – the wording was awkward. I couldn’t figure out if there were actually any positive effects at all, and it seemed more like a physical weakness than a skill (you could’ve included this, then, in the physical appearance or even personality). Also, the skill’s idea is very similar to a skill (or rather, a weakness) that Persephone has, in which she is stronger when exposed to light.

Personality

“Leah is quite practical and level-headed, which stands out when she‘s contrasted with the Ancient Rebirths especially.”

As is mentioned on the page and on the forums, the Remnant are the most lucid of all the AMO. This trait doesn’t really distinguish her from any of the others in her rank.

“Leah tends to be on the conservative side. Not in the political sense, more like she believes in upholding traditions and maintaining the status quo.”

I do like that you are going for a conservative character, and I suggest you keep this trait, but at the same time I think you should drop the note about her political views. As an alien, in the most literal, extreme sense, it is entirely unlikely that Leah actually have a solid opinion of Earth (let alone American) politics. I also think it would be a good idea to further explore the root of her conservativism, considering she’s coming from a culture that is decidedly unconservative – Greco-Feudal culture, essentially.

“Sometimes a guy saying a simple hello will quickly find themselves being chewed out for some imagined offence…Females aren’t entirely exempt from Leah’s judgement.”

Being extremely judgmental is a trait of Rosemary/Amphitrite, but I definitely think that this can be made more specific so that it works out without overlap. Maybe make her less suspicious of people trying to manipulate her (sexually) and more discriminatory based on appearances (“Oh, that person dresses like a whore, she must be a jerk.” “Oh that guy’s in a frat, I bet he’s an idiot.”)

“Outwardly, Leah seems very selfless.” This statement implies a ‘but’ and an explanation – specifically the use of the words outwardly and seems – but the personality didn’t exhibit any ‘but’s. Please modify the statement or include a ‘but’.

“Only if there’s nothing else to do will Leah spend time on herself, which she detests.

The reason that she detests not having anyone to take care of is that Leah needs to be needed.”

The first statement led me to believe that Demeter has some behavioral issues, and doesn’t like to treat herself well. The second statement does not confirm or deny this, but suggests that Leah simply likes busying herself with pleasing others. To eliminate confusion, the first statement definitely needs to be clarified and elaborated upon.

“She simply has to know what everyone is doing so that she knows when she can swoop in to help when things will inevitably go wrong.”

I really liked this trait, especially the idea that she’s constantly thinking that things will go wrong. I’d love to see this trait played up a little more, and I think it works well with the idea of Demeter as a mother – an over-protective worry-wart mother, like the one from Bubble Boy.

“While she doesn‘t completely agree with Rage‘s plans, Leah can‘t muster anything to go against Rage. She doesn’t have much hope and simply wants to survive. Working for Rage is all that she has to do that. Leah has always been a pessimist. She believes that things will never go well, and the ‘good guys’ winning rarely happens. Why fight for something that’s pointless? It’s a waste of energy for her and she doesn’t understand why no one else will see it that way.”

The same argument that is made here could be used to ask why Demeter is even still a Remnant. It seems more likely that, by giving up hope, Demeter would eventually either be rebirthed or simply deteriorate physically until she met a natural death (and, of course, be rebirthed). I definitely suggest rethinking this motivation – if at all possible, simply coming up with a new one.

“Leah can become quite withdrawn and moody.” This is an important aspect of Noah/Zelus’s character, and I don’t think it will work for another AMO without creating kind of an overlap.

“detested frat boy types.” I am not understanding the unwarranted frat boy hatred. Like mayo on a turkey sandwich, it’s slathered on real thick, and (I apologize if I am incorrect in my assumption, but) I’ve got the feeling that it’s been employed to create some animosity/sexual tension between Leah and Valdis. Valdis has informed me, though, that while he would not mind sleeping with Leah, he probably wouldn’t stick around to listen to her rant about how sleezy he was for being in a fraternity. Nobody really likes frat boys and sorority girls, but to hate them as much as Leah does requires some sort of motivation, which Leah lacks, as far as I can tell.

“She doesn’t want people to think she’s their chum.” I love love loved this trait, however, what follows: “She wants them to see her as being someone they have to come to in a crisis. Her attitude doesn’t help. Leah comes off as being stern and intimidating. Coming to her with a problem can make people feel like they’re going to the principal’s office after they broke a window while playing baseball during recess.” Seems very unrealistic. I honestly don’t think that anyone – even the biggest hard asses – really and truthfully want to be seen as a hard ass meanie that always and only dishes out the punishment.

There were several areas of the personality where, because of the strange wording, I was completely confused. I could not make sense of this paragraph at all:

“With other people, Leah holds herself apart. This is due in part to her position as a Remnant that gives her some position of leadership. She will take the lead if given a mission and can usually execute the plan well. Leah won’t have any spectacular victories wrung from the jaws of defeat, but she won’t have any spectacular defeats.”

And there were several other areas where I was quite confused, as well:

“Modesty is a good virtue for her and she can be uptight about it.” (I think you meant “Leah values modesty, and is extremely uptight about it.”) And “This leads to Leah getting very riled up when she imagines people making suggestions about her that aren’t there.” (Possibly “Leah becomes easily agitated when solicited by members of the opposite sex, because she considers this an act of disrespect.”?)

You’ve definitely got a good start with this personality – you’ve established a firm foundation for this character and you know where you want to go with her, which is great. I would love to see the concepts that I mentioned as being good elaborated upon, because I think they’d make for a really cool and interesting character. You had a good balance of strengths vs weaknesses, and with a little tweaking I could see the character actually being a real person. However, you do have some really big problems that are holding you back.

Firstly, a lot of the character’s most important traits are employed in a way that makes them seem gimmicky and boring – being motherly, hating frat boys – and the traits that showed the most promise – being a neat freak, being the ‘mean mommy’ mom, being pessimistic – were NOT major at all, and needed some elaboration. Don’t be afraid to make a dislikeable character! Trust me, they’re the most fun to play!

Your other problem was with grammar. As mentioned, I had a very hard time understanding what you were trying to say, but I don’t think that it’s a hard problem to fix, I think you just need to spend more time on your application, and be sure to read EVERYTHING over at least once before submitting it. You’d be surprised how many crazy mistakes you’ll catch on your second time through.

Appearance

“Leah’s hair is a terra cotta (#E2725B) colour, cut short. It falls at longest to her chin. She keeps it layered, and the ends curl slightly. Her bangs usually fall to the side of her face. She doesn’t do much with it, not wanting to spend too much time on her hair.” Since hair is a really defining trait for characters in anime-based stuff, I think this hairstyle needs a bit more detaling. For example, I’d like to know HOW Leah’s hair curls – out? Under? In cork screws? To which side do her bangs fall? How long are they?

“Her face is fairly square. Leah’s features are even and sturdy, with a straight nose and lips that would look fuller if she stopped pursing her mouth so much. Her eyes are reddish-brown.” And “Leah is on the short side, standing at 5’2. Her figure is fairly fit, with her gardening and constant walking. Her waist definition is rather lacking, and her frame is boxy while her chest is average (B cup.) She looks sturdy and solid." And “While still casual, Leah comes off as well presented since her clothes are fairly neat and she does like to wear nice shoes with her outfits.” I loved these descriptions, they described Leah very well and were written simply but wonderfully!

History

“She grew up in a small farm town in Kansas and married her high school sweetheart once she graduated.” Even though this is a fake history, I think it’s a bit too close to Isabel’s history.

“There is some truth to her history. Once upon a time on Mythos, Demeter had been a mother. Who the father was, she can’t remember now. She can’t remember the age, name or gender of her child. If she concentrates hard enough, she can remember nursing the child and vaguely thinks it might have been a girl. But that’s not what’s important. What is important is that that child died shortly after Rage arrived on Mythos.”

This DEFINITELY needs elaboration, even if it is information that you only share with me, as the GM. I need to know if the child died of natural causes or if the child was killed as a direct result of the fighting, and if so, why? This is a MAJOR part of Demeter’s history and REALLY needs to be elaborated upon – not necessarily in explicit detail, but actually saying “The baby died because of X, as a result, Demeter was in Y situation and ended up joining the AMO because of XYZ.”

Overall Senshi

Uniform
I loved the wheat addition to Demeter’s laurels, but I’d drop the poppies, since they should probably go to Hypnos.

“Demeter wears a dark brown leather belt over her hips and the toga. Attached to the belt are various cloth pouches, containing seeds. Frayed slightly at the ends.” I have no clue which noun ‘frayed slightly at the ends’ modifies: the toga, the belt, the pouches or the seeds.

“The skirt is longer than usual, coming to about a few inches above her knees and usually trails out behind her (makes accessing her seeds easier.)” I am not lying when I say that almost every single applicant has applied for a female character with a minidress that is longer than the toga, citing ‘modesty’. At the risk of sounding rude: please no more of this, it is driving me up a wall. There is NOTHING unmodest about the mythos fuku. It is longer than the original sailor moon fuku. The female characters are more covered than the male characters are and there is no reason for this. Also, I don’t see how a longer minidress skirt would help access to the toga, it seems to me that it would obstruct access.

I did like this detail, though: “The skirt is trimmed with a band of woven straw that‘s got various holes and is quite frayed.”

In general, I really liked what you had for the fuku (aside from the skirt thing). I would like to see a bit more detail to separate her from the typical fuku.

Abilities

I really liked the transformation and the first attack. The second attack, however, exhibited the same strange grammar and I had a bit of trouble understanding what was going on. I would suggest, for the second attack, changing it’s effects a little to something different.

Skills

I liked the torch skill a lot, but I would probably lose the mint thing. Mint IS a sacred plant of Demeter, but that’s kind of stretching it – and Persephone is the figure that is more immediately identified with mint, since she has a curse relating to it. If you really wanted to go with an olfactory skill (which I don’t really recommend as it has been done), I would suggest the smell of baked bread (which is actually probably more appropriate for Hestia) or perhaps just a really earthy smell.

In general, also, I would like to see more skills both in the general skills and magical soldier skills areas.

Strengths: This character has a lot of promise. There were many parts of this character that I loved and would like to see in the game. The problem is that a LOT of what was important to the character needs to be tossed or completely reworked so that I can consider Leah for acceptance. It’ll be quite a task, I highly encourage you to go with it, but if you would rather start over with a new character, that’s fine, too.

What I Loved: Many small aspects of the personality, the appearance, much of the uniform, the attacks

Suggestions: The largest problem I had with this character was with the grammar – about 40% of the time, I was rereading or skipping over things completely because I just couldn’t understand what you were trying to say. Just spend more time proof reading and you’ll be good to go!

The second problem this character had was that she was so completely focused on being the maternal baking farm girl that she became very gimmicky and boring. Don’t be afraid to make her stand out a little more – take a look at some of the other characters to get an idea of what I’m talking about.

Verdict: Declined -- Revise