Quotes directly from the application will be in this color. My comments will be in black.
Since this application did not receive an outright acceptance, I have provided much more information in the overall review than simply "strengths" and "suggestions". This is normal procedure for applications that are not immediately accepted.
Sailor Hecate. Ciara Rhian Fay. The MYTHOS Organization.
Name
I addressed this in an article published after your submission, however, it's
also stated in several places on the website that characters should have
realistic names and this isn't one. With an American mother by the name of
"Alexandra Michaels", I doubt the father could get away with naming
his daughter Ciara Rhian, even if the mother is a witch. Also, Fay isn't actually
a surname.
Age
It's said on the forum for a very long time that we have more than enough
people who are behind academically, and a 23-year-old who is a junior is just
ridiculous unless there's good reason. Students with junior standing are usually
20-21 or 22 unless they are under special circumstances (Valdis left the army
to go to college, for instance).
Major and Schedule
They actually, within the last two years, removed Creative Writing as a major
and there are only three classes available in the English department that are fiction
writing and most people who want to focus on fiction writing have already taken
all three of them at LEAST twice by the time they are a junior (you can take
creative writing classes up to three times, because they are always different).
The class you put on here is one that you must submit a work and be judged to
get into and I believe it says that on the website.
You might want to mention that she's actually taken a LOT of creative writing courses, because if she hasn't done that by the time she's a junior and she's focusing on it then she really really has herself in a pickle as far as graduating goes.
You mention in her likes and dislikes that she dislikes hypocrites and fundamentalists. Ciara is both of these things. This is obvious through the entire application; however, because you, yourself, did not say that she is a hypocritical fundamentalist, I can only assume that you did not realize this. If you want her to be a hypocritical fundamentalist who hates people like herself, which is entirely possible, please be sure to say that yes, Ciara is a hypocritical fundamentalist and she knows it. Otherwise, it looks as though you don't realize what you're creating and you really need to know that your character is going to be dislikeable, or else it will come as quite an unwelcome shock when, in play, your character is met with ridicule for being a hypocritical whiner.
First, please do NOT use the word magick. Things are not magickal. These words, although popular in use, are not actual words. It's magic and magical.
On top of this, Earthlings do not have magic. I've stated on
the page that Mythos soldiers don't have "magic" in the traditional
sense unless they are from Mythos, and even in Sailor Moon, the only civilian
Earthlings with magical abilities were those who possessed crystal shards, and
they turned out to be youma (this was in the first season).
Yes, Hecate is the goddess of magic, but you could've explored it in a
different way than this. Even Hades, who is the god of the underworld and the
dead, does not outright say "I control ghosts!". The application does
not even acknowledge their existence.
In terms of relevance, there really is no relevance to Hecate and being able to predict the future. That is a skill better reserved for characters whose realm includes divination and oracles. Hecate is associated with necromancy and other forms of death magic, not Wiccan magic.
As far as readability goes, I had a hard time getting through this section. There were a lot of things that were very circularly written and hard to understand, and several grammar errors. For example:
"Rituals always seem to go
well for her, she manages to construct the most beautiful alters, her
divinations are always bang on…but she really doesn't try to be so good at what
she does."
This is one very long run on sentence. Also, it's "altars".
"And many people have come to her saying how her predictions for them happened just as she said."
This could have easily been rewritten as "Many people stand in awe of Ciara's accurate predictions."
A lot of the writing in this section consisted of extremely repetitive sentences: "This also…" and "And…" are used far, far too much in these sections.
Meditation also did not come off as a skill so much as a hobby.
There are no faults here, and far too many contradictions. You absolutely cannot be both tough and closed off and gentle, kind and understanding at the same time. There's no way people would go to Ciara with their problems, especially if they all seem to hate her.
"There's also the fact that she's a witch and has endured a "witch hunt" in her life that makes her so tough and closed off. People she trusted, classmates she'd helped, and teachers she'd respected had turned their backs on her and she had to harden her outer shell and quickly. Being a Pagan is Ciara's life. It's her family's history and their legacy, passed down from mother to daughter even through the Burning Times and Ciara holds a deep pride for her history"
There's a lot to cover with just this section of personality alone.
There's really no reason for people to be shunning Ciara for being a witch, especially in college. Had this game been set in high school this may have been a viable idea, however, in college, people really don't bother themselves with ridiculing or starting "witch hunts" against "weird" people. EVERYONE in college is weird in some way, so Ciara really isn't any different than anyone else. In fact, I'm sure there'd be at least twenty other people on campus who share the exact same interests that she does.
The Burning Times is a term used by feminists to describe the plight of women. It is not used to describe the witch hunts. Also, the witch hunts, historically, in Europe, were not done to find witches. They were done to distract simple people from larger problems. Witches, also, were usually hanged in Europe. Burnings were only popular in the United States.
"This is why she can't stand going to churches and even jokes that she'll start on fire if she does. People would just glare and whisper at her or damn her to Hell. Ciara doesn't want to cause waves, so she'll let the little fundamentalists go on condemning and damning and she'll go on being a good person. Fundamentalists are so blind that they forget about that even though people may worship differently, they're still people. Ciara doesn't forget. She doesn't forget and she tries to be a good person, but even she makes mistakes."
This portion was interesting to me because it seemed to me,
immediately, like the writer was getting preachy. This is the point where I
started to wonder whether or not you realized that your character, herself, was
just as much a hypocritical fundamentalist as the people she hates. Who, in
actuality, are the ones being threatened for doing nothing--They are not
threatening to burn her, but she threatens to burn them.
Had you made it obvious that Ciara is a joke character, this section could've
come off as funny. However, as it stands, it concerns me that you might take
the character a bit too seriously.
"Ciara is quick to become defensive and quick to anger when someone strikes a sensitive chord in her over and over again. She won't strike the person and she won't shout at them, but she'll speak in such a cutting way, a person can hear that she's trying to restrain herself. It only comes to this when she's dealing with someone who is attacking things that are important to her."
First, this could've been cut down to one sentence:
"Ciara seriously dislikes when people constantly bother her about her
beliefs and will put up with it for a while, and despite all the harrying, will
only ever give the offenders a stern talking to."
Second: No one likes being constantly bothered and heckled for what they
believe in, and everyone will eventually explode, so this part wasn't really
worth mentioning.
If this were intended to be a fault, it did not come across as one, and even if it had, it would've automatically been annulled by the fact that she immediately starts feeling guilty for her actions.
". Just as a side note:
mess with the little brother and you WILL BE SMITED! …That is all."
Smited isn't a word. The word you are looking for here is smote.
"Ciara likes routine and she likes knowing that something or someone will be there the next day. That's one of the reasons it was so hard for her to leave home, because her brother and her mother wouldn't be there with her. It gives her a sense of comfort and safety to know that there are people around her that she can depend on. And while she appreciates change and likes the crossroads that it can bring…it's just a comfort thing. It's like going to a restaurant and ordering the same thing. It's familiar, it tastes good, and you know it tastes good. But then one day you order something else and find out, to your surprise, that it's good too. That's how Ciara is with routine and change. She likes routine because it's comfortable, but a change every now and then keeps things interesting and moving forward."
This was another unnecessary paragraph. At first I thought you were going to say that Ciara was routine-obsessed, which is an aspect already taken and covered completely by Shazi (Persephone). However, it's basically saying "Ciara likes familiar comfortable things, but can deal with change because it can make things interesting." This is generally how most people are and is not a unique or outstanding trait of her psyche at all. It would be more interesting to have made her hate routine and love change, or be terrified of change but hate the routine as well.
"Hair
Ciara has chest-length light
brown hair with blonde highlights that is basically a cloud of curls. No matter
what she does to her hair, it always manages to look poofy. Ciara has no bangs
and only wears her hair down when she's on a mission or seeking justice. Most
of the time the sides are braided and pulled back, and she always, always
wears bells in her hair."
It's not a good idea to use "chest" and "hair" in the same
sentence because I read that as "chest hair". Relate hair length to
the back, shoulders and face. "Hair that falls to mid back" would
more aptly describe it. You also didn't really describe her hair very well. At
first you call it curly, but using words like ‘cloud' and ‘poofy' makes me
think that her hair is more frizzy than curly. Be sure to more precisely
describe the hair next time. There are many different types of curls: loose,
tight, ringlets, sausage, etc.
You also need to explain the placement of the bells, as just saying "bells
in her hair" I get this image of a girl with bells all over her head, and
that would be really noisy. Also, the bells, while relevant to Wiccanism, are
not relevant to Hecate and would probably cause a lot of distressed, annoyed
people when she walks through a library.
"Build
Standing at 5'11" in height, Ciara's body is toned from her dancing. She has long dancer's legs and toned arms. Her shoulders are a little broad though, not that she minds. Ciara's bust size is about a 34B and she wears a size 7 in shoe. While her waist is a little narrow, her hips flare, giving her a curving figure. Ciara's fingers are long and callused from her time working in her garden and she has a scar on her arm where she tried to donate blood."
It's been up on the forums for a VERY long time that tall
and curvaceous characters are overdone at this time. You've also overlapped
Rosemary, who is a dancer.
5'11" is an extremely unusual height for a girl. At almost six foot,
that's several inches taller than what is considered "above average"
for both men and women. You should make her shorter.
You've mentioned three things here without actually elaborating on them
anywhere else:
Dancing, which is already occupied by Rosemary. Gardening, which really needs
to be explained or else it sounds like Persephone. And the scar from donating
blood; unless there was a horrible accident, chances are, Ciara would not scar
from giving blood, even if she did it regularly.
The appearance, overall, reflects Shazi far too much. Both Ciara and Shazi are tall, dark skinned characters with curly hair and curvaceous figures with notably flaring hips. This won't do, especially when the cast list is this small.
History
I feel like the relationship between Derek and Ciara was a bit over-the-top and
unrealistic. Derek also seemed to really steal the show in the history, and
although you did manage to make the history about Ciara, it borderlined in
being the Derek show.
You've approached being a Wiccan in a very unrealistic way. Neo-Paganism is a very new thing, and since that's basically what she practices, it's not something that would've been passed down from mother to daughter for generations. Also, neo-paganism and druidism are completely different things.
It seems unlikely that her father would be so disapproving of her paganism, especially if he's married to someone who is already a proud and practicing wiccan. And I find it hard to believe that they can chat on the phone for three years and be together for so long without him knowing that the mother is a wiccan.
As I've said, there's no such thing as magic on Earth. The Mythos Soldiers are a special case, and even they don't have real magic. There's really no way that Ciara could be an honest to god witch with magical powers.
"This guy is also of the
homosexual preference, but has yet to come out of the closet."
We already have enough homosexual NPC characters and you could've just said
"Derek is homosexual." You've also executed him in an extremely
stereotypical way. Making NPCs into walking stereotypes is not a good idea.
Also, Hecate is associated with female dogs, and so Bear’s gender should probably be changed to reflect this. Her familiar is Queen Hekabe transformed into a dog. If you want to give Hecate a dog, it should probably be female and a hound.
"Locket: A circular ebony moon is Hecate's locket. It's about two inches thick and can sit comfortably in the palm of her hand. In the center of the locket is a raised Husky's head done in silver. His eyes though are black opals and seem to glitter with an uncanny intelligence. Inside is Hecate's Sailor Crystal. It's a glittering silver stone surrounded by inscribed black runes."
It doesn't make sense to describe Hecate's locket as a moon. A moon is a natural satellite orbiting around a planet. This term is too broad and can describe far too many things. Moons can be cratered, covered in lava, made entirely of gas or liquid iron. Just call it "a circular locket made of ebony". Also, there is nothing in Hecate's mythology that relates her to huskies. Hounds are generally pictured with her, not huskies.
"Description: Hecate possesses the basic Senshi fuku, but here's the catch. All of the silver on her fuku has glitter on it, making it sparkle."
I'm having a hard time finding the relevance of a glittering uniform to Hecate beyond a moonless night sky. However, since you haven't really employed 'moonless night sky' in the rest of the application, I don't think that's what you were going for.
Signature Colors
Ebony is not a color, it's a type of wood. Just use black.
"From the top she has a crown of silver laurel leaves that wrap around most of her head."
The reason the laurels do not wrap around most or all of the head is because the laurels grow as the character powers up. Hecate should have the same size laurels on her head as everyone else.
"In the center of her brow is her symbol and in her ears she has silver earrings that look like little brooms. Her collar is silver and her locket rests in the center of her chest. Hecate's fuku is sleeveless."
You're using a lot of popular culture imagery and wiccan imagery with this character and Hecate is a Greek goddess. Also, Sailor Hecate is not from earth and so there would really be no reason for her to have silver broom earings. Three of the four female characters already have sleeveless uniforms, please give her sleeves.
"Shoes are basic ebony
lace-up sandals that go all the way to her thighs. On these sandals are
teardrop-shaped charms that hold silver mist. She says they hold trapped
ghosts…but no one knows."
The tear-shaped charms holding silver mist also aren't relevant to Hecate.
"The background becomes
dark and the ebony moon shines above her."
An ‘ebony moon' doesn't really make sense. How can a dark moon shine? How can a
dark moon be seen? Hecate is the goddess of the moonless sky, and it is in that
respect that she is a moon goddess.
Signature Attack
Since the Mythos Soldiers are not of earth, she would not have an attack based
off of a Shakespearean play. Also this attack was not relevant to the sphere of
influence.
As I have said before in a previous application review, I won't hold applicants responsible for information posted on the forums unless they are forum members. You've overlapped characters that have been in the game from its start and have disregarded what was advised against on the website. Please, if you choose to reapply, read everything over very, very carefully before you begin your next application.
You took a particular schtick with Ciara and really really went with it. You should try to avoid this in the future, as it creates a very one-dimensional character. Try to broaden out the characters interests. Don't just make them all about one particular hobby, which is what happened here. Ciara really could've used something to draw away from the fact that she was a Neo-Pagan, it didn't even have to be relevant to the magic theme.
In this application I saw a lot of conventional pop images of what people think Wiccanism is, but I didn't see any real research into the heart of Wicca. While this would've worked for a joke character--one who REALLY REALLY wanted to be Wicca but didn't know what she was doing--you've tried to take a very serious route and that didn't work out.
Wiccanism also wasn't the most unique route to take with Hecate. If you really wanted to go the "magical" character route, you could've gone with something more unique like VooDoo or stage magic. Picking Wicca was the most obvious choice and the one most people would go for when thinking of what to do with Hecate. It's not even really related to the goddess, which brings up another big problem in this application: there was next to nothing that was actually relevant to the goddess Hecate here and in this game we're looking for unique additions of relevance in personality and imagery.
Ciara, as a character, was faultless. You’ve created a character who is able to do everything perfectly and has amazing and limitless magical potential who also happens to be an endearing martyr and that isn’t an interesting character. Characters need to have limits and draw backs that make them dislikeable to other characters because that’s what makes them endearing in play! Having a harsh temper is a fault that is not only already used in the game, but is also one that has been mentioned on the forms as being a cop out flaw. You even go so far as to make this trait almost never apparent by emphasizing that she always feels bad and is always very patient and kind and gentle.
Your portrayal of her life as a pagan and people's reaction to it was unrealistic. Her being an actual witch also contradicts what is stated on both the main website and the forum: that magic does not exist for Earthlings, including Mythites. Had you developed a unique and convincing reason for Ciara to possess magic, it may've been alright, but the only explanation you give is that it runs in the family.
Ciara, as a sailor soldier, is far too overpowered. Her powers seem limitless and the only thing holding her back from controlling all of humanity are her morals (that part further made the character seem very unrealistic and added to her endearing martyr image, made her seem almost Messiah-like). I know I said that the players weren't limited, but that doesn't mean that characters aren't limited. It's good that you were unafraid to make a powerful character but this is just TOO powerful.
The Application as a Read
I had some difficulty sitting down to read this application. There were
multiple errors in both grammar and spelling, sentences seemed to go on in a
circular way and were much, much longer than they had to be. Be sure to proofread
your application, and have someone else (preferably one of the game's members) proofread
it as well.
Verdict: Declined. I suggest starting with a clean slate if you plan on reapplying.