Quotes directly from the application will be in this color. My comments will be in black.
Since this application did not receive an outright acceptance, I have provided much more information in the overall review than simply strengths and suggestions . This is normal procedure for applications that are not immediately accepted.
Hoplite Heracles. Alex Archer. MYTHOS Organization.
Student Involvements
You've got a good start here, definitely, but I've just got two things to
address:
I totally understand where you're coming from, making Alex
interested in hockey. However, it may be wiser to pick out something else
you're more familiar with and making that an outstanding theme for the character.
As it stands, the game's small cast already has several characters involved
with hockey in some way (PC and NPC) and it'd be nice to see a character interested
in a different sport--for Heracles, wrestling and boxing may be the most relevant.
Also, as mentioned in the first Bia review, you'd really really have to carefully
handle being involved in an actual varsity sport at OSU. It's incredibly time
consuming, and I don't think being on a varsity team AND with MYTHOS would
really work out. You could always get him involved in club sports, of course,
which are still busy but less time consuming.
Likes & Dislikes & Hobbies
Once again, I can understand making a character that is interested in things
you know about, but I see less Heracles and more you in this application. Try
picking out things that are more relevant to the deity.
Personality
This personality doesn't really tell me about Alex. I'd like to hear about
his idiosyncrasies; I want to know what makes him happy and what makes him sad.
Does he have road rage? What's he think about other people at college, since
they're so different than he is? Really, what's been presented here is
essentially what at least two of the other characters in the game already are,
and he's actually a very average college student.
Check out the forums and the
other character profiles to see what I'm looking for in a personality section.
Locket
The locket's actual shape works out, but the quote doesn't really work out.
Mythites are not of Earth. Their current incarnations were reborn on Earth, but
they have no Earthan influences. If anything, Mythites were the one who
influenced Earth's mythology.
Transformation
I can understand why you wouldn't want to go with the normal transformation
phrase, but due to the nature of Sailor Moon and the Mythos Soldiers, Heracles
shouldn't be exempt from the signature transformation trigger phrase.
You also didn't follow the pattern of "locket opening. Stuff comes out."
Overall:
You write very well, and for your first sailor moon game
application, this was impressive. However, I think that, if you are still
interested in applying, you should really read over everything on the page,
especially the important information and character profiles. If you're still
not sure if you're ready, check out some of the other sailor moon-based games
out there and look at the profiles accepted for them.
I'd suggest starting over from scratch, but still reapply, because your writing
did show a lot of promise!
Verdict: Declined (Please reapply for something new)