Quotes directly from the application will be in this color. My comments will be in black.

Since this application did not receive an outright acceptance, I have provided much more information in the overall review than simply "strengths" and "suggestions". This is normal procedure for applications that are not immediately accepted.

Sailor Hestia. Jane Elizabeth Brown. The MYTHOS Organization.

Likes & Dislikes & Hobbies

Nice job with these, but I’d like to see a few more, I think. Valdis, Croix and Casper are all good examples of lengthy (but not ridiculously so) interest-lists. Although just listing nouns/verbs this way doesn’t seem to do anything, it really does give me a look into the character’s psyche.

Skills

I loved all your skills, especially her being a ‘what’s-er-face’ – I loved that – and her smoking every once in a while.

Personality

What you’ve presented was absolutely wonderful. Beautifully written, believable and balanced – it flowed very well; it was an entertaining and easy read and I am very grateful that you axed many of the similes and metaphor that you have employed in previous applications. You’ve managed to use a number of small weaknesses without trying to say “HEY! LOOK! THIS IS TOTALLY A WEAKNESS!” like so many others do, and you’ve played them out very well. The traits you have chosen to be positive are not overtly so, and that definitely makes to create a realistic character.

There are only two small things that I can suggest, and these are both very minor things:

“The trouble is that, while she is fond of having company, she isn't thrilled with being obvious or even noticed and can't figure out how to be noticeable or even if she wants to be.” I think at this point in her life, with nineteen years under her belt, Jane would know whether or not she wants the spotlight. The rest of the personality leads me to believe that Jane is a very low-key person, and probably doesn’t care much for attention, if at all – of course, I’m not saying that she should just put up with constantly being ignored, but rather, maybe cut that portion of ‘wondering’ out of her psyche.

The second thing is that I would like to see just one major “slip up” trait for Jane. Maybe she worries a lot – to a ridiculous amount, that, at times, inhibits normal behavior – or maybe she’s very guilt driven or, when put into a leadership position, freezes up like a deer in the headlights?

Other than those two things, which are very small, I LOVED this personality and don’t want to see anything else changed.

Appearance

I loved the hair, clothing and carriage sections. However, this section was a major deciding factor in the final verdict of the application.

Although this section, like the last, was beautifully written, I feel the character’s appearance needs a bit of changing. I think I suggested to you that Jane be “homely” or “average” looking, since Hestia was the “boring” goddess, and while you HAVE done that, I think you’ve gone a bit too far. I think, rather than being very plain, Jane almost takes on a hideous or grotesque appearance – people aren’t going to not notice her: they’re going to stare, and I doubt she wants that! She’s just too startlingly awkward looking.

My suggestion, first of all, is to put more meat on her bones. Rather than anorexic, maybe Jane is just average, but so plank-straight that she can’t wear women’s pants at ALL and has to wear men’s slacks/jeans – I’d put her in a 30 waist (that’s 11-13 size in women’s, I believe). Also, definitely lose the acne scarring, and possibly the lazy eye. You’ll be totally good to go.

If you DO want to add a little something different, I would suggest giving her dark circles or bags under her eyes, a mole on her face or maybe an ample amount of skin so that if you pull on her cheeks the skin stretches out really far.

History

As with the other sections, the history was very well written. However, it’s also kind of sparse (you jump from the gun incident to college without much detail in-between). It would be nice to see a bit more detail here, since history is what makes a person’s personality what it is. If you need some guidance, I would suggest focusing on high school (which may have been particularly painful because she was always overlooked?) or incorporating the myth where she gives up her Olympus position to Dionysus somehow.

Speaking of the gun incident, I feel it needs to be addressed. I personally did not take issue with it – although I did laugh, but I don’t think that that is the emotion you wanted to evoke – it is something that very well could (and does) happen in someone’s life, but I spoke with the other members because I was wavering on it.

It’s a perfectly plausible occurrence, but it was the general consensus that the gun incident was made to be the “big history point”, but it’s not particularly relevant to the sphere and it most likely won’t come up in game play (since I don’t really see Valdis or Milo or Isabel packing heat). I think that, maybe, something else slightly more relevant to Hestia could be done (something with fire places that isn’t necessarily a phobia, since Rosemary has a kind of fish phobia going on).

Changing the gun incident is up to you, but I would like to see a bit more meat to the history in general.

Overall Senshi

Uniform

Ivy is definitely more appropriate for Dionysus or a muse, since those roles are specifically identified with ivy and Hestia is not. Orange blossoms are also not identified with Hestia, and I would honestly suggest simply giving her normal laurels – many people already have crazy laurels, and I think the “just laurel leaves” club is kind of lonely. Other than that, the fuku is very nice.

Abilities

I think Hestia’s attack could do with a bit more oomph. Maybe anyone standing within range of the protection field automatically gains a “fire” element to all of their attacks – so when the attack comes in contact with the target it burns them (Amphitrite’s net burns, Ares’s skeletons’ weapons burn, Boreas’s ability shoots flames back out at the attacker when their magic turns to snow, etc.)

Strengths: This was an amazingly wonderful application. I loved the writing and the content. It was a tremendous improvement over your last application. In truth, the only reason you did not immediately receive an accept was because I asked for a change in appearance, and the appearance was a particularly important part of the character, that would require a change in plotting plans and such. I want this character in my game. I love Jane, she is very realistic and very loveable. Please, please make the revisions and resubmit them ASAP so I can accept this character!

What I loved: Like everything, dude.

Suggestions: I’ve outlined what needs editing: the appearance needs changed, the history needs a bit more beef and I’d like to see a few more likes/dislikes/hobbies.

Verdict: Revisions Requested! (Accept!)