Quotes directly from the application will be in this color. My comments will be in black.
Since this application did not receive an outright acceptance, I have provided much more information in the overall review than simply "strengths" and "suggestions". This is normal procedure for applications that are not immediately accepted.
Sailor Pan. Dorothy Noelle Greenberg. The MYTHOS
Organization.
Overall Civilian
Name & Meaning
Although you are allowed to make a name that is irrelevant, with a god like
Pan, it should be incredibly easy to find a name that has at least a vaguely
relevant meaning and I would've liked to have seen a name that was slightly
more relevant.
Major
While putting Pan or Artemis into an animal science or zoology major makes
sense, it's also kind of obvious. I would have liked to have seen something
that was less Pan = Animals = Animal Science, but since you gave her a decent
background in farming and animals, it makes sense. However, you could have put
her into one of the many agricultural majors that OSU has.
I definitely appreciate that you added in the survey course,
but there were a few problems that came up here.
First is an overlap issue: I've stated many, many times on the forums that we
have more than enough academic slacker-type characters and we really don't need
more. Although it is very common for upper classmen to skip classes,
freshmen are usually scared into attending every single class all the time,
which is why I find it very unlikely that Dorothy would take such a lax
approach to attendance, even if she was an academic slacker to begin with.
The second issue was a technical one: math 150 is not really that high of a math course--it's pre-calculus, but it's only one or two steps above what is considered the 'remedial' course. If you wanted Dorothy to 'test highShe kept the necklace and wore it over her neck every day. on the math placement, she would probably be in one of the three calculus courses: 151-153.
I'm afraid this personality was so close to Rosemary's that it just won't work out. As I read it, there were places where the two were so similar that I had to doubt you read Amphitrite's profile at all. In a game where there are fewer than ten player characters, and every character has a profile available, there's no excuse for not reading everything, and there's no way to accidentally miss some of the things here.
Grammatically speaking, there were a few places where it became hard to read because of mistakes in sentence structure.
"Dorothy's amusement matters more to her than another's." < - The usage of 'than another's' makes that sentence clunky. It could be improved by saying something like, "How others feel matters little to Dorothy, she just wants to make sure she's the one having the most fun."
"Though Dorothy lacks good amounts of empathy," < - This was awkwardly phrased, and would sound better if you tried something like "Although Dorothy is not very empathetic…"
Below, I've highlighted the areas of her personality that are too similar to
Rosemary's so that you can change/work with them if you would like to continue
with this personality.
"Strong-willed and vivacious, Dorothy is a wandering free spirit that does what she wants, when she wants. Unbridled and uncontrollable, she enjoys running wild and being free. Her love of freedom can appear childish, as she pulls pranks at the age of eighteen that kids at the age of eight like to do."
"A more apt way to describe her would be with the word "wild"; not wild in the Tara Reid or "Girls Gone..." sense, but more untamed. Rosemary is a free spirit, an uncontrollable and unpredictable force. She's not swayed by her peers or her superiors and rarely takes part in trends. It's not that Rosemary is outwardly trying to be rebellious, she just wants to find the best ways to have fun."
These two excerpts are incredibly similar in word choice, meaning, and placement in the personality section. Dorothy and Rosemary are wild in different ways, however, the difference is merely a matter of one being malicious and the other not. It is definitely relevant for Sailor Pan to be 'wild', but this is a key aspect of Rosemary's personality and won't work out. There are many other ways to incorporate wildness into a character, though, you'll just have to explore a more unique way to do it.
"Cursed with a restless soul, she HAS to be doing something interesting enough to keep her attention at all times."
"It's probably obvious by now that Rose has an incredibly short attention span. This has greatly helped in her inability to keep a job or a hobby for very long. She just can't seem to stay dedicated to something that doesn't keep her attention."
Both characters have an incredibly short attention span that is a detriment to them in some way: Rosemary can't hold a job or an interest and Dorothy has problems socially. This is another aspect of their personalities that is just too similar, and it affects them both in a similar, socially stigmatic and negative way.
"Dorothy has the tendency to interrupt people. Without even giving an introduction, she will step up from the back, interrupt and give her two cents. It's hard to get a word against her. Once she starts interrupting a person, she won't stop. If she has nothing else to say she'll walk away, leaving people stunned and saying: "Uhhhh who the fuck was she? ... And who invited her?!" If she does have more to say, she'll wait for a response, going back and forth with the person until she's tired of the conversation and leaves."
This particular personality trait doesn't seem like one that
would work out in an in-person setting. Although you could get away with
causing trouble and then disappearing on the internet, in person, it doesn't
quite work out in the same way. People will usually ignore you, especially if
you're a repeat offender, as Dorothy seems to be; most people will react very,
very negatively (and in some cases, very, very violently) if you interrupt them
with the intent of offering an opposite opinion.
This trait would be fine if you made it sound more like "Dorothy tries" rather
than "Dorothy does". The current phrasing makes this paragraph sound too factual;
it makes Dorothy sound too smooth. No one is going to let someone else
constantly interrupt them for no reason and annoy them, especially in the
Mythos house, where there are people like Ande and Valdis.
"While she is capable of occasionally bringing down the house with her jokes, all too often Dorothy loses her 'audience' with one way out of left field. As a result, very few people understand Dorothy's sense of humor and a lot of people get the impression the poor girl might be high, drunk, high *and* drunk or just plain weird."
This section needs some elaboration. Why are Dorothy's jokes
from 'out in left field'? What exactly is she saying that confuses people so
much?
This is also a section that overlapped with Rosemary: "often,
after making a joke, other people are completely lost…"
"She astounds people with her high test scores, completely contradicting her mediocre performance in the classroom setting."
As mentioned before, I've stated in several places that we have more than enough rebellious and academic slacker types of characters. Also, in this paragraph I've found a minor nitpick. You mention Dorothy tape records all of the lectures she goes to, however, in colleges today, many professors won't let you tape record them (I'm assuming because they're just assholes), claiming it's 'illegal' (which, technically, it is) to record without their explicit permission. People very rarely tape record classes now, anyway, so it's very unlikely that she'd be recording her professors' lectures.
"Though Dorothy doesn't shove her pride into other's faces, she is oblivious to others differing personalities or backgrounds. She is so narrow-minded that she can't believe others don't have pride in themselves or what they do. It is her pride that makes Dorothy unable to give away anything for free without an equivalent exchange. Observers of this consider Dorothy to be a cold, heartless, selfish bitch. The real reason is beyond the public's narrow-minded conclusions."
You probably should've made note that Dorothy is hypocritical in this way, because her dislikes mention that she dislikes narrow-minded people, but here you call her very narrow minded.
"One of the greatest virtues
that Dorothy has is her survival instincts. Being her ever blunt self, she
dishes out what she feels truthfully in an rational way: her needs are greater
than another's. No one is going to pay her tuition, cloth her when she's cold,
or feed her when she's hungry. Her mentality is reminiscent of the old sayings
"the strong survive and the weak die" and "survival of the
fittest." She has to rely on herself to get things done, not anyone else.
Though Dorothy has a strong will and self-reliancy, she lacks commitment when
it comes to long-term situations or issues."
This section of the personality made me think that Dorothy would NOT join the
MYTHOS organization. Judging by her personality so far, no one would try to
convince her to join, either. This is perfectly all right, and I would suggest
you consider switching her alignment over to Other if you plan on reapplying
for this character.
Grammatical note: The first sentence has a problem with subject-verb agreement; it should probably be something along the lines of "Dorothy's survival instincts are some of her greatest virtues." At the same time, however, survival instincts do not fall into the virtue category. A virtue is a moral righteousness--chastity, faith, love, hope, kindness, etc. Survival instincts are a very feral thing to have, and do not operate in the same way as a virtue at all.
"With her restlessness fueled with her pride, Dorothy has no problem balking out of a situation. While Dorothy has a lot of pride, she doesn't consider it a huge defeat to her person if she can't handle something for a very long time. Dorothy understands she can't handle anything long-term. Short-term things are more of her thing."
I'm afraid I didn't quite understand this paragraph.
"She likes things done fast and
simple-- not convoluted, drawn-out and elongated."
Since you already said she likes things done 'fast and simple' you didn't need
to append the antonyms of those words to the end of that statement. It made it
unnecessarily long.
"Unpredictable in her motives, Dorothy can shock many by turning her back on others and going off by herself. In group projects, if the others cannot finish in an amount of time Dorothy considers "short," she will become impatient, snappy and agitated. One of two things will occur then: if she enjoys the project, she'll take control herself and finish it. And if she dislikes it all together, she'll abandon her efforts. Dorothy's life is her own, and no one can control it."
This is another aspect of Dorothy's personality that makes me think she's not cut out for the MYTHOS organization. Once again, this is fine, but you should definitely consider putting her in the "OTHER" category.
"Though Dorothy lacks good amounts of empathy, she's not incapable of connecting with others. Dorothy can be caring, considerate and loving to those that she deems worthy enough."
In several places in the application help forums (linked on both the forums themselves and the 'help' section of the website) it states that saying that a when character behaves in a completely different way while around their friends, it effectively negates their nasty social flaws; it is assumed that 80% of the 'good guy' cast is going to be on good terms with one another to avoid mess ups, disaster, death and suffering and so you won't really get to see their negative social flaws because they don't get the opportunity to show them.
"Instead she gives new people the opportunity to become a part of her flock. To prove themselves to her, they have to not only keep her interest, but willing to keep things fair, equal, and balanced. If they are able to do so, she can trust and protect them. Anyone who believes in equality is good in her book."
If you were planning on having Dorothy have very few close friends in play, this is fine, but I don't think any of the current characters would really go to the effort to become Dorothy's friend when she behaves the way she does. Also, referring to it as her 'flock' makes her sound controlling, and I don't know if you were going for that.
Because of the overlapping, as mentioned, this personality
isn't going to work out. If we ignore the overlap for a second, though, this is
a good personality; you've got an alright start that just needs a bit of
tweaking:
I really appreciate that you put a lot of flaws into this character, but these
flaws need some tweaking. You got the part about making Dorothy dislikeable
down perfectly, but you missed out on another important thing faults are
supposed to accomplish: Dorothy is just way too smooth. Flaws are supposed to
make your character wrong, and Dorothy appears to always be in the right, or at
least above the conflict (even if she's the focus of it) so that she's
never wrong and with personalities like this, the person is usually wrong.
Because Dorothy seems so incapable of ever messing up and being wrong, she
seems flawless.
If you plan on redoing and elaborating upon this personality, consider adding things that slip Dorothy up and make her act uncool. What makes her insanely mad? What's her deep dark dirty secret?
"What the HELL was that?!: In
any form, any way, Dorothy has the uncanny ability to pop out of nowhere from
hidden places. She can send others into a state of shock and possibly panic.
One form is when she does this as a prank, coming out of nowhere and scaring
someone. Other forms include interrupting a conversation out of nowhere,
walking up to someone and teling him what she thinks, or raising her hand in
class and saying something that shocks people."
I can sort of see a relevance to animals here, however, a skill like this is
best reserved for a character like Leto who "moves unseen like wind or air"
(hence stealth as an element). I think that this skill was reaching a bit too
far out into the 'animals' element and went into Leto's territory.
"It's instincts: Dorothy relies on her instincts a lot. Never second-guessing herself, her instincts are sometimes right, and other times can lead her down the wrong direction. She doesn't stop to consider a logical explanation. She believes in her instincts rather than relying on others for decision making."
This wasn't really a skill so much as a reiteration of the personality section regarding instincts above. You should explain Dorothy's instincts here, how they work and how she uses them.
The only issue I had with this section was one of readability. Some sentences, particularly in the 'facial structure' section, didn't flow well together and phrases were used awkwardly. Please remember to proofread your application before submitting, and if you're unsure of things, have someone else proofread it, too.
History
The first thing in this history that is a problem is the death of Dorothy's
parents. I saw no real reason for it to happen beyond saying that she had to 'fight
for survival' straight out of the womb. We have enough characters with family
lives that are kind of messy (Milo, Noah, Rosemary and Sarah, pending her
revision and acceptance) and for now we really don't need any more.
The second major problem with the history was, once again, a grammatical one. There were a lot of errors that could have been picked up easily by having someone else proofread the application. I've pointed out the ones that stood out to me the most below:
"Arthur and Gerldine didn't know how the handle breaking to Dorothy that she was adopted within the family, and her real biological parents had passed away. Both didn't want to mentally scar the poor girl."
It should be "Neither wanted to mentally scar the poor girl."
"she was still apart of the family." <- This should be 'she was still a part of the family.'
"However, her parents and grandmother instilled into Dorothy to always be fair." <- Rather than saying 'instilled into Dorothy', you should say 'taught Dorothy'. Something has to be instilled; you can't instill someone to do, but you can instill a value.
"Dorothy's wise, strong-willed
grandmother Hilde used to tell her all the stories of the old country back in
Germany, of what she and her husband (bless him) Kurt went through to get to
America, how they ended up in Ohio, how much her biological mother Edith loved
Dorothy and how strong she was to stay alive for her."
This is a really, really long run-on sentence. In revising, consider using
colons and semi-colons, or just chopping this down so that it's shorter.
"At the age of fourteen-years-old," <- Drop the '-years-old' portion here.
"She went absolutely wild, acting like a little four year old than the fourteen year old she was." < - Should be 'acting more like a four-year-old and less like a fourteen-year-old' or something like that.
"Dorothy did have Nick to rely on, but she realized not for long." < - 'Dorothy had Nick to rely on, but she realized that she wouldn't have him for much longer.'
"It wasn't because he couldn't handle it, he knew Dorothy couldn't handle it." < - 'It wasn't that he couldn't handle it, but that he knew that Dorothy couldn't.'
"They never dated and they never announced to the world that they admitted feelings for each other." < - 'They didn't end up dating, and they didn't tell anyone that they had actually confessed their feelings to one another.'
"She kept the necklace and wore it over her neck every day." < - you don't have to say 'over her neck', since that's where necklaces go.
Below I have listed things that I have suggested changes on.
"Dorothy didn't mind, since she enjoyed raising, feeding and grooming the animals in the barn. Dorothy grew a strong fondness to the animals she tended to. So strong was her love for animals that she immediately stopped eating meat and became a vegan when she discovered the meat she ate came from the animals she cared for."
I'm not sure if a person working on a farm would willfully work on a farm and be a vegan at the same time. She would know that she's preparing these animals, and their products, for someone else to eat, and the animal would just end up being slaughtered in the end, anyway. I could see her growing to dislike meat because she's seen how it's prepared and doesn't like it, but becoming a vegan because eating your fluffy friends is wrong probably isn't plausible if she's the one preparing them to be eaten.
"She started pulling pranks. It started with whoopee cushions and developed into harmful ones like mud in coffee. Other kids liked listening to Dorothy's jokes or watching her pranks. They were pretty funny at times. The rest of the time Dorothy pulled a joke so out of left-field only she got it and no one else did."
If Dorothy is pulling harmful pranks on other kids, they definitely won't be enjoying the pranks or Dorothy, herself, for very long.
"Academically peers and teachers alike didn't expect Dorothy to go far. Someone who pulled pranks and acted like a wannabe juvenile delinquent recluse that wandered around from group to group like a ghost couldn't pull A's if she tried."
I don't really see how her behavior in school would really change her GPA, with the possible exception of being a wannabe juvenile delinquent, which, by the way, is a spot occupied by Milo (Hoplite Boreas). Generally the social recluses are the ones who get the best grades.
Also in this paragraph was the mention of Dorothy being an almost straight A student who would get straight A's if she only turned homework in on time. Dorothy may be naturally talented in academics, but this doesn't exclude her from the whole 'academic slacker' thing that I talked about on the forums in several places. Her behavior obviously pushes her into that category, and we have more than enough of these types of people right now.
"Nick, however, had only applied to two in-state schools -- Ohio State and Oberlin -- and was waitlisted at both"
It'd be safer to say that Nick just didn't apply at OSU, because it's really hard to NOT get accepted into OSU. You'd have to apply in late summer to be waitlisted for it.
"He knew Dorothy well enough to know that she gave up long-time commitments like woah. Slightly embarrassed by her best friend's frankness, she in turn shocked him by kissing the hell out of Nick in the car. It ended up being not only their first kiss but their first time having sex. Dorothy was the one who asked first. Nick, blushing but remaining controlled, drove over to his house since his parents weren't home. Dorothy didn't fumble around or reveal her awkwardness of the situation. She went straightforward with her decision and never looked back."
The writing in the history started getting a little hectic and confusing one or two paragraphs earlier at the start of Dorothy realizing her feelings for Nick, and here it just went overboard. When writing a history, please try to keep important parts sounding serious unless they're supposed to be funny. At a tense time like this, saying phrases like 'like whoa' and 'kissing the hell out of' don't really make sense at all.
Alignment
"MYTHOS. It took Dorothy a good few minutes to consider joining or not, but she found a fair trade in accepting. She lends her powers in the duty to protect and serve and whatever, and in turn others will protect her from getting attacked by those AMO people. And it's a damn good perk for her that she gets a cool outfit and powers."
I honestly don't see Dorothy even wanting to be a member of Mythos, ESPECIALLY at the prospect of having to protect and help others. That part of the whole Mythos organization seemed to me like it would be the deal breaker, and it surprised me to find that this was the major selling point for Dorothy. You might want to consider making her an 'OTHER' alignment.
This doesn't really sound like a 'locket' so much as a rock with a pendant on top. The locket should open to reveal the sailor crystal inside (you don't have to specify what kind of crystal it is). You might want to consider revising this, and instead of saying 'pendant' in the locket description (although it can become a pendant while untransformed), call it a raised design on the locket.
Fuku & Color Scheme
I've asked to try and avoid similar color schemes, and we already have one
green + brown and one brown + green. There are plenty of other color
combinations to do with Pan.
Making Sailor Pan into a literal satyr is pushing the imagery a bit too far. Characters should remain mostly human while transformed, so this aspect of her uniform needs to go. Although strange creatures did exist on the Mythos planet, only the humans possessed sailor crystals.
The skill "Baaaaaaaah" was already addressed above in the fuku section.
The skill "Did You Feel That" seems more like a hunting thing, and as such, probably belongs within Artemis's realm. Many wild animals don't have stronger senses so much as being more sensitive to noticing differences and getting spooked by them.
Although you say that the skill "Show Me The Way" is not a Dr. Doolittle speak-to-animals skill, it sure seems that way. There is a post on the forums regarding animal language--animals have set 'phrases' that they are able to use, and only bees and one or two species of bird have exhibited the ability to arrange parts of phrases to create new phrases with new meanings (and these new phrases with new meaning are usually, 'no, the food is over here').
If, in your next application, you plan on making an NPC into a Mythos Soldier, I would prefer that you contact me (through AIM or PM on the forums) asking permission first so that things could be worked out.
Strengths: There were some major overlap issues here with the personality, but if I set those aside for one moment, you've got some good ideas with this character. There were only a few things that went over-the-edge, and you came up with a lot of interesting stuff. I liked that you managed to provide a viable reason for Dorothy to be on the pre-vet track, rather than just saying "SHE LOVES ANIMALS!" you actually gave her a background in them, which I liked.
What I Liked: A character that probably won't end up on the Mythos team
My first suggestion with this application is to go back and read everything, because I can tell that you either did not read the character profiles, or did not pay attention when you read them. There were also elements that directly contradicted what I had advised on the forums (and as with other applicants, you have an account of the forums and have posted asking for help before, so there is no excuse for you to not have known what to avoid). Even a surface glance at the application can show that Dorothy falls into several overlap categories: First and most obviously is that she overlaps Rosemary, she also falls into the 'bad boy/girl category', she's 'more trouble than she's worth' and is an 'academic slacker'. Her fuku color combination is also one that already exists in play in two forms of 'brown and green' and 'green and brown'.
Next, the character was far, far too smooth. This character had similar problems to Hecate in that she seemed to be way too good at everything she did, and it was only a matter of the fact that she didn't want to be good that held her back. If Mythos had been made up of sailor soldiers like Hecate and Pan, then Rage would not have been a problem to begin with. Consider adding more actual faults to Dorothy, rather than just dislikeable traits; try to avoid simple faults like 'oh she's clumsy!' or 'oh, she's socially awkward!' because those don't really do anything to make the character more interesting.
Finally, this application could've really done with some proofreading. There were far too many grammatical mistakes in this for it to have been anything more than a first draft of an application. You should always read over everything you've written at least once, because the readability of the app can make or break it. You can have a fabulous idea, but if I can't understand what you're trying to say, then you're not going to get accepted, and there were several spots in this application where I was left feeling very confused.
Verdict: Declined--Revise. Your ideas are great, but because of the overlap, the lack of proofreading, and a few minor things that need tweaked, Dorothy isn't going to work out. I suggest starting over with a clean slate after you've carefully read everything.