Quotes directly from the application will be in this color. My comments will be in black.
Since this application did not receive an outright acceptance, I have provided
much more information in the overall review than simply "strengths"
and "suggestions". This is normal procedure for applications that are
not immediately accepted.
Adraiah Destiny Knightly. Sailor Poseidon. The MYTHOS Organization.
The following review is rough for a reason. I have said countless times in a number of different places that you need to read everything and it was plainly obvious that not a lot of reading went on here. What’s presented seems like the author just put a load of her interests an her life into a skeleton, not an actual character.
CIVILIAN INFORMATION
* The mistakes made in the naming section are things that I have corrected in most of the other applications submitted to this game, and could have been avoided easily had you read even a handful of the applications that received “Declined” or “Declined – Revise” ratings.
Firstly, please provide more than just meaning when you give a name. I want to see the origin; I want to know why her parents picked that name for her; I want to know why she has the nicknames she got.
Second, Knightly has a very plainly obvious meaning – it comes from the surname Knight, meaning “knight”. So, the surname Knightly probably means “a knight” or “one who has characteristics of a knight”.
Finally, something I have said a million times before: you cannot put determiners and articles like “of” or “for” into an English name. The reason Tsukino Usagi’s name means “Rabbit of the moon” is that her name is written in hiragana as つきのうさぎwhich looks like it could read “tsuki (moon) no(possessive) usagi(rabbit)”. This sort of thing almost never appears in English and so you can’t have pun names like you do in languages like Japanese, Korean and Chinese. It just does not happen. Adraiah’s name cannot mean “strong daughter of destiny.” It’s not just fudging with grammar; it’s adding in a word that does not exist.
*Another thing that I have mentioned in many other applications and on the forums is that the most a character can take is 22 credit hours. Adraiah is taking 25 credit hours. This does not work. Please read the information provided to you on the matter of scheduling.
*If you’re going to make your character into manga and writing, please make them interested in something that’s at least partially relevant to their deity. Case Closed, Tokyo Mew Mew and Inu Yasha have nothing to do with Poseidon. Quite frankly, the likes, dislikes and hobbies you’ve provided look more like your interests than the interests of a character you’re making.
*Also, your likes dislikes and hobbies paint Adraiah as a masculine girl or a girl who just wants to be one of the guys. Sailor Amphitrite, Sailor Athena, Sailor Bia and Sailor Hephaestus are all already girls with these qualities. We don’t need any more.
* Please read over the game’s accepted characters to get an idea of how to write a sectioned personality. What you’re writing is more just describing events in Adraiah’s life than actually giving me an idea of how she thinks and acts. Also, reading the accepted character profiles will give you an idea of what has already been done, because what you’ve presented is either not detailed enough to differentiate it from other characters or is essentially the exact same as other characters.
The Fiery Child: Adraiah has a deep passion to prove herself at every thing
she tries, and will continue to do it until she gets praise, this makes her a
deadly fighter in almost every way, this is also
because of her inexperience in the outside world, having grown up with three
older adopted brothers and an older adopted sister. She also feels the
need to do everything right, the first time, and not giving up until it’s done.
This is essentially what’s going on with
The Tomboy: In an attempt
to do what she wants to do, Adraiah has managed to do
what most other girls from where she’s from aren’t able to do—just be herself,
and manages to be one of the guys. She loves to watch football,
especially the Denver Broncos, to the dismay of her roommates. Adraiah can also drink like a guy, though she prefers, pina coladas to Bud Light, or Budweiser. Adraiah also loves to play sports with the guys from her
apartment building and can kick ass if it’s baseball or soccer; but overall she
still remains feminine to some degree. The only bad part about all of
this is that she can never find a guy that will date her.
Rose, Eve, Sarah and Olivia.
Shameless Flirt: Though Adraiah is a tomboy, she can also be a dangerous flirt when
she wants to be, and it has gotten her into some serious trouble over the
years, including a tennis star from her high school stalking her in her junior
year, and a few reports to the principals office for
flirting in class. So far nothing too serious has happened, but that
doesn’t mean that it will stay that way.
Croix,
She may be the youngest, but
she’s the Smartest: Out of all her siblings, Adraiah
graduated from High School in the top five percent of her class. Not
being one to show off a lot, Adraiah took what she
got gracefully and has laid off on the studying for a few months and want to
enjoy life at it’s fullest right now, and ‘Hopefully having a little bit of
smarts will help her stay away from the parties’, as her mother said.
Yeah right.
Olivia. Noah.
Tough on the outside: As
mentioned above, Adraiah grew up with three older
adoptive brothers, and each one of them taught her a different style of
fighting. From martial arts to street fighting, Adraiah
has learned it, though she doesn’t like to fight with fists, she prefers to
fight with words, as they hurt worse than a broken bone or pulled muscle.
Adraiah is also stubborn and hardheaded, also which
she got from her older brothers. (Though she technically doesn’t fight
much, her brothers thought that it would be good for her to protect herself)
MAJOR part of Sarah’s character.
* Please look at the profiles of the accepted characters to get a better idea of what I’m looking for for skills. Providing only the two most obvious things for Poseidon is not going to cut it.
MYTHOS SOLDIER
* The symbol of Pisces is already used by Amphitrite.
* Worn sailor uniform is a quality of the Alpha Mu Omega and should be kept as such to avoid confusion.
OTHER INFORMATION
* While it’s perfectly fine to want your character to shack up with another character in the game, referring to that character directly and subtly several times in the application and power playing them in the writing sample is not OK. The extent to which you oogled the character in question went just a bit too far. Also, plot planning like this: “Poseidon and a few other Mythites get drunk one night and decide to go skinny dipping in the University Pool, and the next morning Poseidon wakes up, half-dressed, in a certain Hoplites bed.” Assumes that said Hoplite would even sleep with your character. The character is not the type to take advantage of a drunk freshman girl.
OVERVIEW
The only thing about this character that is even remotely Poseidon-esque is that she has water powers. This game is not looking for Sailor Water or Sailor Fire. It’s painfully obvious that you did not read; if you had read, then you wouldn’t have done obvious things like given Adariah 25 credit hours worth of class, or made a personality that is essentially a mish mash of every other character in the game and a lot of the characters that were submitted but rejected.
If you wish to be accepted into the game, then I strongly
suggest that you do a
Verdict: Declined.