Quotes directly from the application will be in this color. My comments will be in black.
Since this application did not receive an outright acceptance, I have provided much more information in the overall review than simply strengths and suggestions. This is normal procedure for applications that are not immediately accepted.
Neil Johnson. Hoplite Zeus. The MYTHOS Organization.
Civilian Overview
Age I’m thrilled to
actually see an incoming freshman application. Thank you.
Majors/Minors
I like that you’ve placed him as an undecided,
and putting him on the pre-law track makes sense both for his personality and
his role as Zeus. However, I’m kind of weary about him being interested in
meteorology (which, I believe, falls into the major ‘Earth Sciences’, just for
reference), since that seems like the most obvious thing for a Zeus-based
character to be interested in. Having a Zeus that’s big on weather would be
kind of like having Amphitrite or Poseidon majoring in Marine Biology – sure
it’s obvious, but it’s also kind of unexciting. With Zeus being king of the
heavens and of undying gods, I feel like there’s a lot more than could be
touched on here than just weather – since the whole lightning thing seems more
of a pop culture thing than an actual ancient Greek mythology thing.
Likes & Dislikes & Hobbies
You’ve got an all right start here; you did a
good job of balancing “relevant” with random, but there are a few things that
need addressing. First, the vast majority of dislikes were the kind of dislikes
that nobody really enjoys; because of this, the following dislikes can be
removed: “people who go back on their promises, …
headaches, … being out in the middle of really inclement weather, getting
struck by lightning, … his laptop getting electricity damage.” Of
course, once you remove those, the dislikes list slims down a lot and could use
a little beefing up. Try to think of some other stuff that Neil really
dislikes.
The second problem goes with what I have mentioned before. In terms of relevance,
the only thing you’re really focusing on is Zeus as the god of lightning, and
as I said, there’s so much more to Zeus than just lightning bolts and weather.
I’m, honestly, kind of put off by Hoplite Zeus: The Weather Guy, since the
Zeus/Thunder/Weather soldier who also wants to be a meteorologist schtick has
been done before. I noticed that you did include disliking headaches, at least,
so I do appreciate that that was included.
Skills
“Migraines:
Neil excels at getting head-splitting migraines at the worst possible
moments. Although the family doctor tells him that they’re caused by too
much glare from his laptop screen (and he does, indeed, get more migraines when
he’s not wearing his special tinted glasses to reduce said glare), they’re spontaneous
events 80% of the time. Fortunately, they tend to pass right after they
reach their most painful point.”
I like the idea behind
this, but I think it should be toned down. Constant migraines are kind of a
serious problem, and I think that, if the migraines really were a problem, Neil
would be a bit more irritable/whiney, and that’s not really alluded to in his
personality. Maybe if he just had light, short headaches at certain times or a
literal pain in his head, as though he had been bruised or injured.
“Lightning Rod: Neil is unusually unlucky when it
comes to lightning strikes. He’s personally been struck twice, plus it
has a tendency to strike buildings and/or vehicles he’s in. Fortunately
for him, he is also exceedingly lucky when it comes to surviving said lightning
strikes. Both times, he escaped severe injury and only ended up in the
hospital for minor burns -- unusual, but not as rare as one might think.
He’s just got freakishly good/bad luck when it comes to this sort of thing.
Lightning also tends to strike his home/other building he’s in more often than
average, but not dangerously so. It just tends to get a lot of electrical
equipment fried. Neil never plugs his laptop in anywhere unless he has a
power strip that protects against that kind of thing.”
This skill isn’t going to work – it’s just a bit too unrealistic. It’s hard
enough to survive one lightning strike, let alone two, and chances are, you’re
going to suffer some severe mental damage if you get fried.
The following sections, in particular, seemed a bit too
close to Zelus:
“Most of Neil’s traits can be tied back to one
principle: he’s status whore.”
“For all his need to maintain the status quo, Neil is never really content with his current position in life. He’s always got his sights set a bit higher than what he has now, with the ever-present mental image of being able to come back to his former social level and show people how great he’s become. He’s the sort of person who wants to come back to his high school reunion with something really impressive backing him up. As such, his goals reflect that need to continue moving up in status, and he puts a lot of stock in gaining respect and/or showing off. Sometimes, though, he’s willing to work to be simply respected (but not the respected person) as long as he’s got control in other areas in his life. That sort of equilibrium is more difficult, but he is capable of it. Eventually.”
I think perhaps playing up Neil’s ego a bit more – so that he feels that he is better than others, and that it is just that other people do not understand him – will definitely help in steering him away from Noah. This is only a minor detail, but by having Neil feel that he needs to improve to prove that he is better, the character is edging into Noah’s persona. Simply pushing it slightly in another direction would definitely make this personality work.
I do really like how this personality was written; it was very realistic and well balanced. I do suggest that you explore his interests more – you talk about them a lot elsewhere in the application, but I could do with a bit more discussion about them in the persona section. Particularly, I think the character’s major interests: weather and the internet and electronics would play at least a moderate role in his personality (i.e. a lot of people have a completely different persona on the internet than they do in real life, and when this internet persona comes into play offline, the result is usually a lot of mocking laughter).
I would also like to see a bit more elaboration on Neil in social situations. What I’m getting is that he likes being in control, but he’s also kind of socially awkward? Also, I feel as though, despite the fact that he likes being in control, and being leader, he doesn’t really possess any qualities that would make any of the current MYTHOS members bow before his will. I’m not sure if that is what you were going for or not.
Other than that, you’ve done a good job with this. You’ve done a great job of equipping this character with legitimate faults and weaving those in with strengths that make sense, given the character.
Appearance
I’m not really sure that I’m comfortable with Hoplite Zeus being 5’5 –
which is INCREDIBLY short for males in general, and would make him one of, if
not the shortest character in the game right now. I’d really rather see
a Zeus of average or above average height. 5’8-5’11 is about average for men,
I’d say.
The history’s start could’ve provided a bit more factual information about the family. I was a bit confused by all the strange illegal and shady activities the Johnson family was allegedly involved in, since it was only mentioned in passing and then brushed away by saying that Neil’s particular branch of the family didn’t have anything to do with all that. I feel like that was just added as a throw back to say “Hey, Zeus was into crazy stuff!”, but, at the same time, I don’t think that was what you were going for. As I read further, I began to feel more like the history had been rushed. A lot of stuff that could have been elaborated on was glazed over. In particular, I would’ve liked to have seen more elaboration on the second lightning strike than just two sentences (ignoring the fact that I said that the lightning rod thing wasn’t going to work out, this is just an example).
I’d like to know why Neil is so driven to wow people and why he wants to be leader, because I couldn’t find any motivation for this behavior.
Relations
I like that Neil has 281787913 relatives on campus. Real cute. XD
Overall Soldier
Signature Attack
I really liked the signature attack. It’s a good example of a level one
Sailor Moon signature attack, although, since Asterope is a Greek mythological
figure, I’d rather the attack have a different calling phrase.
Skills
“Very Very Frightening: Hoplite Zeus is naturally intimidating. It’s difficult to look at him directly, especially if he’s angry or otherwise unhappy with the situation. While the effect doesn’t actually stun, damage, or otherwise prevent things from attacking him, it’s enough to make weaker-minded creatures think twice before messing with him. The noises he makes are amplified, including his voice; standing too close to him when he’s throwing a thunderbolt can be almost deafening. Sometimes even the weather will get into the act. It’s not uncommon for a speech or otherwise blustery statement to be punctuated by a flash of lightning in the background.”
I’m afraid that I just cannot see someone with a build like Neil’s as being intimidating at all. He can have the feel, but without at least a realistic build to go with it, I think he’d just end up as coming off as more weird than anything else.
“Vision:
While transformed, Hoplite Zeus neither wears nor requires his glasses.”
This doesn’t really have anything to do with Zeus, and so I’d prefer that he
just keep his glasses on while transformed, or he just not wear them and have a
hard time seeing things.
Strengths:
This was a very well written application. Everything flowed together
very well, and I enjoyed reading your writing. You’ve assembled a personality
that is realistic and balanced, and even though he doesn’t seem that likeable
as a person, he’s a great example of a character you like to see in fiction.
What I Loved: Neil’s personality, his quirkier interests and dislikes –
like disliking not being able to identify ingredients in food.
Suggestions:
I loved the core personality behind this character, however, Neil, as a
whole, seemed a bit gimmicky. There was just too much emphasis on electricity
and storms/weather, so much that it made the character, who was otherwise very
realistic, seem like a cartoon caricature. I don’t see this character working
out as Zeus. Zeus is one of The Big Three; he’s one of the kings of Greek
mythology; and he has ties to practically every single other person in Greek
myth. Those are some big shoes to fill and I think that Neil just fell short –
had this been for a lesser deity, this character would’ve easily been accepted.
However, Neil as Zeus left me a little underwhelmed.
Zeus was obviously an inspiration for parts of Neil’s personality, but I didn’t
see enough of Zeus’s mythology incorporated into the character in more active
ways. Once again, there was just too much of an emphasis placed on the elements
of electricity and weather that made it seem more like the character was just
about his sphere of influence and not about his deity.
Your application was very well written; I do want to see you in the game and I would love to see Neil’s personality in play; however, I’m going to have to suggest that you place this character into a role that is not one of the remaining Big Three (Zeus, Hades, Poseidon), but a different deity. If you want to continue with Zeus, then I think you’ll have to do some serious reworking.
Verdict: I do want to see this character idea in the game, and because of that, I’m giving this application a Revisions Requested. However, as Zeus, I don’t think this character will work out. So I am suggesting that you pick out a new deity to work with, so that you can keep the idea and incorporate it into a new god or goddess and also assigning the application a verdict of Declined—Revise.